photo from 2010 summer. words from a month or so ago.

not so cohesive

not like adhesive

all the words that

come to mind are fragments of lines

about fragments in time

wanting to be sublime

but even then they are not mine

they are yours

when you said what you said about why

whores have mores

and why we’re still believing in folklore

that says smoke more

sometimes i be a running

a thousand miles per hour

a thousand miles away

in a day and return

only to wish upon a rhyme

that yours and mine

might someday escape

to a faraway nearby place

but not so easy

not like the breeze

found and edited a picture from my time in london. wrote the words below, when i was bored in class last wednesday.

draw me through a straw

like something raw

reborn in the morning

fresh out of mourning

longing for belonging

for just a little longer

writing from last year. maybe february. pic from 2008 in the fall.

i have heard that dreams are our manifestations of desires and fears.

i had a scary dream last night.

by some definitions it could be called a nightmare.

so from what i can remember:

i am suddenly reading a flurry of text messages saying i’m sorry…

i can’t see you ____day, the next day, or the day after… for some reason or another.

but the person i am reading the message from is the person sitting just across the room from me.

this person is the person i like.

our surroundings suggest we live in the same room together.

they are showing me a formal family photo from some recent event.

they are explaining the photo to me but i know for a fact (lol, wtf right?)

that what they are saying does not logically make sense-

in other words, they are lying to me and do not realize i can understand them.

the next thing i know is that i am staring at their face

they tell me exactly, “my lover told me they had another lover…”

i really don’t understand.

but i feel my heart sinking.

i want to listen to their story really all of that ceases to matter.

if they can never love me then why should i care anymore?

they continue, “i was so afraid but then they told me it was just a joke.”

i feel some dull ache come over my body.

the pain is coming from my heart.

i wake up.

i am panting, my heart is throbbing, and i’m hot and sweaty.

i say, “oh my god- was that really a dream? that seemed all too real.”

so do i fear the person i like?

or do i fear that the person i like has a lover whom they fear?

[or just do i fear that the person i like doesn't like me?]

i don’t know.

but perhaps this dream was a perfect manifestation of my emotional state.

i should say that i no longer like the person from my dream.

i guess i’m fascinated by the meaning of dreams. but i remember feeling so confused by this dream.

now i understand a bit better but…

it is strange to see emotions acted out in dreams.

i’ve been reading a lot these days and maybe later… i’ll post some work on a personal project

with eyes as bright as the city lights

you’ll study your heart away in the coming nights

and during the day you’ll fight your frights

with people who’ll call themselves your friends

but who don’t really care for your ends

just pretend

you know who you are.

i know who you are.

because i’ve been you.

and although i wish it wasn’t true-

i still am you.

to quote bob dylan:

…you make love just like a woman, yes, you do

then you ache just like a woman

but you break just like a little girl

to quote myself:

… maybe someday we’ll meet again

you will still be you and i will still be me but maybe we’ll be more ready…

so through the days, nights, and frights

keep your heart as bright as those city lights

not much can ease the pain

of the refrain

of loneliness

perhaps in the past

i’ve shown too much disdain

for the joys

that people sing about

on days like today

i am only one grain

in the ocean of the sands of time

just as much as last year

i have learned much and grown much

but still i am very much a child

in a young woman’s disguise

i have three new years “BHAGs” (big hairy audacious goals- from jim collins’ built to last):

to build a better body, to show more empathy and openness, and to find a mate for my soul.

so we’re friendly-

that doesn’t mean we’re gonna have a happy ending

because life just pales

compared to those fairytales

when the night ends truth and lies blend

and i don’t understand why i can’t take your hand

like your hand takes my heart

so we make plans again

just as friends

tomorrow afternoon, after 1 year, i will return to the incheon airport.

in the year that has passed my life and body have changed a lot.

yesterday afternoon my reflection against the apartment glass scared me.

who was that person? i didn’t recognize them.

the pictures on the left are all from 2007. the pictures on the right are from a few hours ago.

my inside and outside do not match.

my inner soul still sees myself in 2007.

outside, the city of seoul sees me only as i am now in 2010.

the difference is obvious and stark.

to my brain though my appearance has not changed. i am the same as i always have been.

in 2007 i finally accepted my appearance as it was– instead of deluding myself and wishing for better.

in a way because i accepted my 2007 face and body i know no other face and body.

my 2010 appearance frightens me. this is not how i know myself.

if you look at 4 years you can see that even my 2009 and 2010 appearances do not match.

there is a obvious and stark  difference between how i am treated now versus how i was treated in 2007 (and before during all my schooling years)

i remember every moment clearly and deep down i am hurt when people judge me only on my appearance.

tomorrow i will meet my mother and my brother.

they have not seen me for a year.

will they recognize my appearance now or will they recognize a familiar soul in the crowd?

April 24 + April 26 + May 4

별처럼눈 눈물처럼별

혼자 아니라…

근데 혼자로 걷기 아파

어린이 아니라…

애기 같은 생각하고 있는것같아

그냥interesting person to do mundane things with진짜 찾알수없을까?

9개월전에 다른인생 시작하기로했었는데…

9개월후에 아무것도 시작하잖아?

오늘 밤에 머리가 복잡, 복잡해…

근데 i cannot jump, i cannot scream, i cannot cry when all i want is to fly away

내일 아침에 일어날때 어둠에 둘러싸여있을까?

화요일에 the sun will fade and i will pack my things to go away

but after the sun fades on this day what will be our fate?

친절하기위해서 냉혹해야겠다고…

냉혹하기위해서 친절해야겠다고…

but yet again my body has a mind of its own- my heart.

별처럼눈 눈물처럼별

スキダ | like | 좋다

でもね 言えない。

but i can’t say.

하지만 못 말해.

いつか | someday | 언젠가

一緒に散歩しよう。

let’s walk together.

같이 산첵하자.

永遠に | forever | 영원히

忘れられないから。

so we can remember.

그레서 잊을 수 없어.

they lay their heads in the cafe to escape the remains of the day.

너무 예쁜데 너무 싫어…

비 왔어.

어떻게?

매일매일 일해야해…

but is that really the way you wanna play?

i can think of better ways to spend my days.

너무 예쁜데 산책할거같에.

눈이올게.

매일매일 일해야해…

aren’t you ever you every gonna look my way?

someday maybe we will find our way.

글쎄 글쎄…

너무 예쁜데 너무 좋아?

나중에 집에갈게…

나중에 샤워할게…

나중에 와인 맛실게…

나중에 전화할게…

나중에 잘게…

나중에 나중에… 뭐할게?

나증에 좋을때 키스할게?

하지만… 지금… 뭐해?

and for those of you who know me well you’ll know that i almost never make new year’s resolutions.

my resolution is for the new year but also for life in general: to find a fulfilling love and to speak more.

so happy new year everyone- stay warm and be happy~

it’s kind of funny…

my mother always tells me that when i was a baby she knew that i could understand adult conversations.

but that i wouldn’t speak until i turned 2.

“you wouldn’t speak until you could speak perfectly”

although i’ve changed and grown as a person i think deep down i’m still that tiny, little baby who wouldn’t talk.

sometimes i wonder, ‘how could my 1 year old self have so much fear?’

babies and children fear nothing because they know nothing of the world.

did i already know the world at less than 2?

i couldn’t have.

but… still… i can’t stand to say anything unless the words are perfect.

i can understand the most complex of things but i can barely manage to say ‘hello’.

what could i possibly fear?

did i fear, do i fear that by opening my mouth i am opening my heart?

did i fear, do i fear that if i open my hear that my heart will be broken again?

as a baby i am sure that all i wanted was to not be alone.

as a grown person i am sure that i want the same.

it’s kind of funny…

i want to tell that baby that you don’t need to be perfect to be loved.

but i can’t say a word.